musings on dating, ghosting and life journeys

Dating and friendship

Since my second marriage ended some (almost) 10 years ago, I have found myself on and off the dating scene. Sometimes more on and sometimes more off. I regularly talk about dating with my girlfriends in person over a wine or three or online with more distant friends including one of my blogging buddies Maria @adriftinathens

a very good vintage

We all date and meet potential partners in different ways, sometimes online dating, sometimes in real life. We’ve all experienced ghosting and other dating horrors in one form or another. And to be honest, I’ve probably ghosted a few after some desultory messaging that seemed to go nowhere and the effort in making some form of ‘it’s over before it’s begun’ message seems a bit redundant.

Ghosting

I once experienced ghosting after dating someone for 3 or 4 months and then nothing. No contact, no text, no call – nada! Sometimes it’s actually difficult to determine who exactly is the ghoster and who the ghostee. In this case I had sent a reply to a text message and then that was it – no further communication. My girlfriend asked if he had perhaps become seriously ill or worse yet died! But no. His little green light on Messenger was regularly on when he was using his phone – so I’m fairly sure he was still hail and hearty.

ghosting
yeah, nah

However, I was not overly emotionally invested in the relationship and I decided to let it go. I think a few years back I would have been more inclined to follow up with a “why?” But now, nah. As Maria always says to me “if a man wants to see you, he will”. And that is absolutely correct. Anyway, I think I miss his dog more than I miss him.

Life journey and fellow travelers

I have discovered over the years that people join me on my life journey for varied lengths of time. Some have been around for years; some for months; some come and go and others are around only for a little while. I recall earlier this year having the most intense and brilliant conversation with a man (over coffee after a Parkrun). He told me he was married, plus he was from a Parkrun far from my local run. I knew as the conversation beautifully unfolded that this was a really special connection and that one hour was the only time in this life that we would connect. He was in my life journey for the briefest snippet and that’s just how it is sometimes.

This attitude also allows me to let go far more easily than once I could (or could not more to the point). If a relationship ends, regardless of whether it’s me letting go or they drifting apart from me, then it’s done. There may be some residual sadness or longing, but it dissipates and fades away. I can acknowledge what was, appreciate the positives and let go of the negative.

Then move on and see where the next adventure leads me ❤

 

 

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The (non) rational mind

logical mind

How I think I think vs actual reality!

I tend to think of myself as a reasonably rational and logical person. I generally believe I have a good grasp of reality (most of the time) and I have insight into my thinking and way of being. I have struggled with concepts around how one reacts to situations i.e. the belief system that one can ‘choose’ how to react to a situation. That our thoughts govern our responses good or bad. If we only harness our thoughts, then we can choose to respond positively to any negativity in our lives.

I still have difficulty with that concept. I find it intrinsically unfair. Sometimes things are tough and challenging and to force oneself to feel positive is a big ask. However, I have realized that I can quite easily stitch together my own version of reality depending on circumstances and my thoughts at the time and that stitched together version can be absolutely and totally incorrect. I find this somewhat alarming. Here’s a story:

Stitching together reality

One time I was dating a guy, we messaged each other regularly and saw each other on weekends. In one of those messages he asked me when was my birthday. I responded with 10 September and asked when his was, he replied with 30 November. I duly put that date in my calendar. I recall thinking at the time how nice he was asking about my birthday and that it meant he would keep the date in mind. I also felt it was a good early sign in this newly minted connection.

Two weeks later we were chatting over a glass or two of wine and he asked me if I had been to Bali (for Aussies Bali is practically in our backyard and it’s cheaper to go there than travel within our own country). I said I had but some years ago. He said he was planning a trip mid September and would I like to go with him? Well, my gooey heart just melted. I thought it was lovely to be invited, albeit a little early on in a new romance. So throwing caution completely to the wind I said I’d love to go with him.

My brain also decided that perhaps it was connected with my birthday (as the dates aligned) and it would be a lovely way to celebrate. I was convinced this was correct and that this lovely man was thoughtful and considerate and oozing romance (you can see where this is going, right?)

Bali
Bali – where I was not!

However, over the next few weeks there was no further mention of Bali or any trip together. I felt puzzled and wondered if he had forgotten or perhaps he would mention buying flights and accommodation a little closer to the time (I would be paying my own costs). I felt hesitant about bringing it up. Then I found from a conversation with his friends that he had planned a ‘boys trip’ to Bali for mid September. And it hit me that I had been ‘uninvited’ but without him actually telling me. That kinda stung.

The day of my birthday, I waited all day for him to text, call or post something on my FB. He didn’t. Well, he did text me late in the day saying he’d been busy working all day and how was my day. I responded with fabulous – seeing as how it was my birthday. He told me that he is f-ing bad at remembering things like that. Really? No kidding!!

The next day he flew to Bali for his boys own adventure with his mate.